The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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