some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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