listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
