if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
