Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
