I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
