Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's blow job season.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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