I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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