There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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