This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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