just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
