Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
