Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
