you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
