He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
