After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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