I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
