the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Let's get the cat blown out
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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