planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
