Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
