**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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