maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
