I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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