Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
