I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
