You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
