So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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