i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
as a side note pls kill me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
