You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
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Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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