Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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