Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
