I'm so fucking centered right now
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
