I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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