Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
