Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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