I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Holy sore nipples Batman
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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