I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
