The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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