Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize