You smell like a Billy Joel song
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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