Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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