Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
