I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
