u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
