i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
