I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
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he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
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Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.