I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
