New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
