if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
