he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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