You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
