how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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