It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
