And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
