im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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