Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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