is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm getting married
To pizza
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
