New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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