You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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