A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
