I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
