Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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